Commercial Endorsement

Friday · March 01, 2002 · 12:59 AM

Hi. My name is ToeTag. You might recognize me from blogs such as GiggleChick and Says Me. Every once in a while a product comes along that is so revolutionary, that it changes your life. I’m pleased to take this opportunity to talk about one such product.

It pretty common for me to come home from bars and clubs after a few too many beers (usually Bass Ale, if you’re keeping track). I’ve discovered that there are several things you shouldn’t do while drunk. The worst thing I’ve done is dance naked on a table (At a birthday party. For my 10-year-old nephew.)

The second worse thing I’ve done is use Instant Messenger.

For example, last night I came home and IM’ed with some innocent young woman. I’m quite sure she didn’t expected the random oddness that ensued. I don’t remember all the details (which is bad unto itself), but I recall being mad that she had file receiving turned off (which meant I couldn’t send her pictures of me without pants). I think I sent some drunken poetry and then espoused the economic benefit of a vasectomy over purchasing condoms (from a pure ROI standpoint it’s silly to contemplate anything else).

Oh, the product. Sorry I forgot this was a fake infomercial.

So, I’ve come to you to endorse the latest technology from Breath-Tech. It’s the PC-compatible Personal Monitor System. Just breath into the tube and your computer will automatically be shut down when you’ve had too much. This will prevent all access to Instant Messenger capabilities.

This is the latest in a long line of Breath-Tech technology intended to keeping American Youth safe. You no longer have to lock up your innocent daughters, work at keeping your sons virtuous, or worry about locking up your liquor cabinets.

With the latest from Breath-Tech, you know everyone in your buddy list will be safe.

Now with USB and Firewire 1369 compatible connectors. Soon with cell-phone jacks.

Allow Breath-Tech to cover your ‘Bass’.

Alright, I’m heading off to the bar tonight to catch Soltero and enjoy some nice cool Bass ale. Wish me luck.

[Yahoo says: crouching tiger, drunken flagon]