Friday · February 22, 2002 · 04:54 PM

Today I was called “blandly normal”.

Crap. I’m going to try and be more eccentric and think the following my help:

Sing “Mack the Knife” as loud as I can in the shower. This is extra eccentric since I don’t know all of the words. I just fill in the gaps with “blah blah’s”. Really loud, off-tune, “blah blah’s”.

Stop wearing socks. Since I’m wearing boots, this looks odd. Actually, this has become a necessity, since those squirrels have been busy…

Use the expression “I’m hip with that, Mack Daddy” to anyone over 50. Imagine the picture on the right saying this and you’ll see my point. I’ll also try to work “jiggy” into more conversations.

Two words for you – “blue eyeshadow”... Ah, two more – big hair… You might think that’s too common to be considered eccentric. Except I’m male.

Snicker at anything that could be remotely construed as sexual. (He’s “mating socks” get it!) Then I’ll do the high-five and chest thump, like the pro basketballers. (Dude, he totally said “ballers”!)

Force everyone to refer to me as Jamie Oliver. Then run around saying everything is “pukka”. (Which is an Urdu word, by the way.) If anyone says “crank it up a notch”, I’ll smack ‘em on the head with a meat-tenderizing mallet and yell “BAM”.

I’m going to eat fortune cookies without taking the fortune out first. I’ll eat oranges without peeling them. I’ll wear fruit on my head. Okay, maybe not the last one, that’s just silly.

I’m going to declare every day to be my birthday. This is to get gifts, of course, but I also plan on wearing a party hat 365 days of the year. I may even sleep with the hat on.

[Yahoo searching: large rocks small stones]