First Date Jitters

Sunday · December 09, 2001 · 07:17 PM

As a freelancer, I pay a fortune for my own health insurance. Last year I decided to take advantage of it and go in for my free annual check-up. Nothing was wrong; I just wanted to feel like all that money was going towards something. That’s why I saw Dr. Maureen last Fall (after the exam I feel like we’re on a first name basis).

I used to think you had to know someone pretty well to get naked in front of them, but I guess that doesn’t apply with doctors (and prostitutes, too – remind me to tell that story some day).

Anyway, she was poking and prodding and talking all the while. She wanted details about my ailments, gathered family history, asked if I took steroids (“No, but thanks for asking”). Blood pressure, heart rate, lungs, etc. Everything was fine.

Then she checked for testicular cancer. That meant she had to touch the boys. And not a quick “turn your head and cough” sort of touch, she was rolling them around like Captain Queeg and those steel balls in The Caine Mutiny. I normally don’t go that far on a first date unless alcohol is involved (remind me to tell you about my trip to Bangkok – oh, and last weekend with the McKinsee triplets).

She’s concentrating, so she stopped talking. I’m thinking about all kinds of things, pretending like this happens all the time (in reality I can count on one hand the number of women that have held my testicles – zero men, ThankYouVeryMuch). It started to feel odd – me standing there naked with a woman kneeling in front of me. I decided to talk.

I’m all like “so have plans for the Holiday” – totally awkward. I’m not really sure what the protocol was, but I felt like I had to say something. Anything. I didn’t mean for it to sound like I was hitting on her…

So, she told me about her plans and asked the same thing back. I told her – “I’m going on a three week trip around Italy. In fact maybe I should get a tetanus shot – it’s been a while.”

“Tetanus shot?” she says. At first I thought she didn’t know what a tetanus shot was. Then I realized she didn’t see the connection of Italy to tetanus. I didn’t either – I was just babbling to fill in the spaces.

So I says “sure, in case I step on a rusty nail or something”. You know, with the rust nail problem that they have over there – Rome is crawling with them and I plan on running around barefoot. I’m such a smoothie.

Ah well, she gave me a shot and sent me on my way. She left the clinic a short while after that and I haven’t seen her since. I often wonder if she enjoyed that special moment as much as I did.

Luckily I’m too young to worry about prostate problems.