Those in the know, know. You know?

Monday · December 19, 2005 · 01:44 PM

I have a very low key Christmas planned this year. I’m getting sort of used to it after years of having a big family deal – buying gifts for a dozen people is challenging, to say the least. Still, I’m going to spend next Christmas and every Christmas with family (my will states that I will be cremated and put in a Christmas ornament for my Sister’s tree). Life is going to be much easier, since I’m officially going to own Christmas.

A few changes I might as well warn you about. First off there won’t be low-fat eggnog. Seriously, if you’re going to drink it you might was well enjoy it. In fact nothing will be fat-free, low-carb, with synthetic sugars. This is my gift to the world. Talk to the guy that owns New Year’s about diet and exercise resolutions.

The new official slogan will be “Happy Hall Lee Days”. It sounds a little weird, but you’ll get accustomed to it since I’ll be whacking people on the forehead with a ballpeen hammer if they say it incorrectly. This motto narrowly beat out a bad pun involving the letter L and the word “Noel”.

Since Mistletoe is the official state flower of a certain state I was born in, a new wreath in the shape of Oklahoma will be used in place of the holly and red berry wreath. It will no longer be required to stand under it to get a kiss, a radius of one mile for every day of Christmas will be used. So the first day of Christmas means you can kiss someone if they’re within a mile of a Oklahoma Mistletoe Wreath, then it’s two miles on the second day. On the last day of Christmas, pretty much the entire eastern seaboard is fair game.

And I’m not really sure if we’ll be sticking to the 12 days of Christmas, I think I’m going to expand it to two full months. My people are talking to other people, including those that own Thanksgiving and we’re working out a deal that involves product tie-ins from several major holidays and a cross-religion marketing push that is going to be bigger than a Microsoft Windows release.

Channel two will be the Christmas channel, showing holiday programs all day long. It’ll be all of the traditional ones, so I won’t list them here. But the Laurel and Hardy’s “Babes in Toyland will play every day at 7pm. And the Gilmore Girls will play at 8pm. With a second episode of the Gilmore Girls at 9.

But all of that excitement is next year. This year I’m spending Christmas with friends. I’ll be at Rich and Catherine’s drinking spiked eggnog, making inappropriate comments, and seeing how much baby drool I can accumulate.